It's been a while....

Almost three and a half years between blog posts - i'm not too sure if that's some kind of record, but i guess at least i have returned!!

Wow, reading back; the emotions and moments are as raw when i read them today as they were at that moment and i guess i have to update a few things before i get back into the flow of properly writing again...

My then fiance and i were married, twice LOL - a simple handfasting in Houston towards the end of 2011, and then an official ceremony in Sydney with my children present in 2012.. I decided (not too sure if i had mentioned it in the past) that the children and i were going to migrate to live in Houston in 2010... My husband was elated, i was nervous, and the Law made me fight for my children's passports for three and a half years due to the games of a dysfunctional ex husband; lot's of poking, prodding and working our way through Family and Passport laws.... August 2013, we were successful... We are currently trying to get help with finances to get us there - at this stage, i can't discuss why...

I have gone from two children in the Spectrum, to four... Three girls and one son! Obviously, that will be a more in depth blog post/s in the future, but again, the other two girls were diagnosed a week apart - so two of my girls were recognised as adults, and i had to use the system against itself for my youngest to be formally identified - my son was the easiest!!! LOL

However, my three oldest (now 26, 24 and 19) "children" have all left home and are flourishing, finding their wings and doing well... My son has been gone for five years now, and i am so proud of the man he has become, in spite of the life we endured for so long... The girls are doing okay and facing challenges as required and navigating life to their best abilities, just like all of us...

The youngest two, are now respectively 9 and 10, and in year 4 and 5 at school - not breaking any academic records, BUT both are ASD students in a mainstream environment - my daughter gets no aide support at all; my son gets about two hours a week, and both love it... My son is becoming quite an outspoken expert in acceptance and conservation as well, and appreciating diversity - he had his first friend come visit last year, and has gone visiting a few times to his friend's home; ALL ASD parents will understand the enormity of that!!

Me?? Where do i begin?? Looking back and reading what i had previously written, thinking i was on the verge of some sort of ultimate breakthrough and i was never ever going to have to struggle with myself or life or anything ever again has made me realise how much ego has a stranglehold on everything we say, do and feel!! How naive i was LOL But i totally get how i felt back then, and i accept i was looking for tufts of thin roots to grasp as i dangled precariously over a huge gaping chasm that was threatening to engulf me at any given moment.... I embrace who i was because without her i wouldn't be sitting here thinking it was time to try this again... Removing the images and affording me some sort of anonymity across the www is a small price to pay... The future is huge for us all, and my kids need protecting... Whatever i write here is public record, and people, i have learned, will manipulate and twist what they find to suit themselves, especially if they dress themselves up in the frock that screams "friend"...

So much to write, so much to share, so much to do... i need to make a promise to myself that i need to do better at making myself heard, especially on things that i am passionate about 

Much love, and i am happy to see you again!! 

Tis the season...

.... for reflection, dissection and dissension... A whole pile of woulda, coulda, shoulda's surround us all when we begin to look back at the year that was, and the year we wish we'd had...

My year has been, quite simply, the year from Hell.. I say that and people have no idea what i am on about - i'm so bubbly and positive and funny, how could i know hardship?? It is my bedfellow... My year has not been a total disaster i will admit to that - planning my marriage to my Mr Perfect is every woman's dream, but every second of happiness i have is balanced with a minute of difficult... I spent just under 5 days with Brian in November; five days out of my year where i was allowed inner peace, and happiness - it came at a cost though, it always does... it doesn't seem fair, but it is what it is - it is the way life plays out for me...

I spent the beginning of the year with my solicitor writing out custody provisions and documenting 8 years of abuse not only against me, but my kids as well from the hands of my former husband... In the midst of doing this, i was diagnosed with melanoma - it's not the first time i have had to face cancer (i had cervical when i was 36) and it wasn't totally unexpected either... Brian's Mum also had health issues, as did he... then there was the working 24/7 with okay pay at the beginning of the year, to being extorted over $1000 when i demanded my earnings...

Then it was time to face the Department of Education about Connor and for them to tell me what they thought was best for my "number"... I happily told them what i expected for my son and that i would settle for nothing less... Of course this was balanced out with a mountain of medical appointments including paediatrics, speech, occupational theraphy, physiotherapy, eyes and hearing tests... I also had my baby girl Brielle assessed for speech issues, just in case - and she also ended up in a support group for language, just to help her a little bit more...

Trista Rae started out the year wonderfully, in a new school setting the world on fire... she was the first ever year 10 student to achieve a silver award in a term - after 2 years of home schooling we were finally hopeful that she would get the education she so richly deserved; that eneded up being short lived... the year for her degnerated into a shit storm... she started to get sexually harrassed by the boys just enough to make her uncomfortable, then her best friend left, then she changed classes because of more harrassment, to a falling out to her other close friend, to severe sexual and racial discrimination, to death threats from school mates and suicidal tendencies - by the time my 42nd birthday came about in August, i was barely hanging on... But you need to, for the kids...

That's where you start looking for the tiny things to make life worth living... a smile from a stranger, a hug from a friend, a rainbow in the dark - anything to make you want to get up the next morning... another pre-melanoma was found in a place that never sees the light of day really, and you just go why??!! Who or what lifeform did i piss off this time...

Then there is the normal day to day musings of sibling rivalry and angst, always a drama or two in there particularly when life is a little bumpy... I have had three wonderful friends that i could lean on any time for anything which also helped me get through...

This last week has been the toughest of my life to deal with - an unprovoked violent attack on my 6yo daughter by one of her classmates when she was in a position where she could not defend herself... Every parents nightmare!!! I wanted to break every single bone in that little boy's body and his parents for what he did to her, but what would that achieve??? What would that show other than i was some type of animal myself, when the reality is, i'm not... So, i made sure she was okay, then i met with the other family to see if they were okay, and we came to a mutual agreement that was in the best interest of everyone... I then had to subject Connor to a dialation exam to make sure he doesn't have a hereditary degnerative disease of the eyes, and then Trista Rae had her final counselling session for the year which was highly emotional for both of us... Throw in my grandson needing an x-ray for not being able to walk properly - i'm waving the white flag - i surrender!!!! LOL

This of course is not including the stalking i receive from my ex-husband and a few other undesirables i have in my life, nor some epithanies about my life, this one and past, which have been quite traumatic... there has been two, yes two curses i have broken on myself and my lineage, which as difficult as they were, give me some major hope for the coming years...

But now what - we have 2 weeks left for the end of the year, a time of family, celebration and forgiveness...

I have my children i can hold... my heart aches for my son who lives away in another state, but i also rejoice knowing he is achieving so much where he is surrounded by people who love him and support him and give him the time he needs... my life misses my mother, who left me 12 years ago this year...

But most of all, i mourn my Christmas without my fiance... I don't think i can convey the hollow feeling you have when you find your perfect partner, and you are half a world away from them and helpless to do anything about it, because life still has you in a space where you can only have one or the other; i'm still not able to have a complete family as yet (fingers crossed 2011 allows me to accomplish this)...

I don't consider my past to be filled with mistakes, i don't believe in that... I also do not believe in bad choices when every "bad choice" has led me to where i am now... I have plenty of reasons to lash out and behave badly, to be critical and downright rude to people at the end of the day, to form a drug or alcohol problem and it will get brushed aside because "well look at her life poor thing!"...

I'm holding onto the faith that my precious 16yo will be able to take steps towards fulfilling her education and following her dream of being a special needs teacher to pre-schoolers... that Connor and Brielle will continue to make forward strides at school when at the beginning of the year they will both be faced with their own mountains to climb... My oldest daughter and son will continue their journey through adulthood at a slow and steady pace to form the solid foundations required to a successful life in the future...

And that my dreams will be realised - a successful business and a blissful wedding to a magnificent man who means the world to me, and i would not be where i am without him - i have not battled away for him; i have battled with him by my side, to keep my chin up above water level as i dog paddle the torrent that threatens to sweep me away at times... He is my life saver...

2010, thank you for visiting, thank you for your challenges and for your victories, however please respect that i am not going to look back upon you fondly... I will bless you as the year that needed to be to embrace my future with open arms and a loving heart...

Please do not let the door hit you too hard on the way out...

Love, Chelle xxxx

Good Morning, Good Morning... Good Morning to you!!

Yes i have awoken with that song ringing in my ears today...lol I'm not exactly sure why, maybe Tinkerbell snuck into my ear canal and it messing around with my neurons again!!! LOL

Yesterday was an interesting day for me.. It was a day of endings and new beginnings - and yes, i say that a lot because every moment IS a newness, but this was different... This was me welding the door shut on a situation that will continue to rise up if i allow it to... I had the situation covered legally months ago, and it had also been covered olde worlde style; it was time for me to handle it in my style, which i did, with a little help from some friends...

Today i feel a calm that has not been there for a while, if ever!

My life continually shunts me out of my comfort zone - to be honest i never really felt i had them but never mind!! LOL Being laid back and a go with the flow type person, i just thought every situation was my comfort zone... Nope, way wrong LMAO

I've already mentioned how i'm not used to being looked after - Brian and a few friends adore shaking that little tree i can tell you... being flexible, i am adapting, slowly... it's a trust thing, and not being able to trust or rely on anyone in the past... It's nice to be able to, finally!!

But what puts you in that place?? It is simple - childhood abuse; that feeling from a little kid that no one really wants you around unless they are in a bad mood so they can abuse you.. It lead to an adulthood where you threw yourself from one social interaction to another and failing regardless of who it was - except for a very few who stood by me through thick and thin... Time for those few valued relationships was my greatest enemy there (not enough)



There was a campaign on FB which i fully embraced - change your profile piccie to your favourite cartoon character to raise awareness of childhood abuse... It set the place on fire!!! Everyone jumped in to play, the commercial television networks also gave it coverage showing the people do have a little power and CAN make a difference... of course, as always, someone somewhere has to try and tarnish something good... as fast as the campaign arose, the counter campaign came in saying it was a plot for pedophiles to pray on kids... now considering no one under 13 is legally supposed to have an account, and no one should be putting their address or personal contact details onto a public social network in the first place, i was gobsmacked by the hysteria caused!!

I never add anyone unless i have a friend in common, and of course my personal abilities come into play a lot where that is concerned... common sensibilities are obviously a thing of the past for most...

Seeing all the old cartoon characters bought me back so many memories, so many good memories that i had from my youth, and to be brutally honest, i did not have many... I'm "the glass is half full and perfect the way that it is" type person 99.9% of the time (hey, no one is perfect)

More shedding of layers for this onion, closer to my happy place, and grateful for every heart wrenching moment... I've come to realise, if i don't put the effort into me, then no one will...

The Grenade after the Event

WOW!!!!

I go away for a week and that week has totally turned my life inside out and upside down - in the most wonderful way possible.

I am now officially engaged to my Cowboy - we can publicly talk about wedding plans - but most things had been discussed long before the event on the 12th November, 2010!!!

I have come from a background that is less than loving and supportive!!! It was quite destructive most of it to be frank, and in a lot of ways it made me strong, but it also darn near killed me too...

Take someone and plop them into an environment where someone just wanted to take care of you, speak to you, touch you, and share you (okay he needs practice with that but we did only have five days LMAO); and it wasn't just Brian, it was almost every single person i met while i was there, who was the same... that sense of belonging somewhere finally wasn't a dream, it was a reality!! The surreal part was it was MY reality... i felt so blessed and i am first to admit, i did not want to come home to my life...

But it has changed me - i was told a year ago to "judge people as harshly as i judge myself" and i am finally able to view that comment for all that it is worth... I am tired of one sided friendships, i am tired of people taking my words and twisting them around to serve their own purposes, i am tired of being looked at like i am "Ms Wonderful Who Doesn't Have A Worry"... i am always there for others, usually at the detriment of myself and my kids, and some people do not care, and a few actually demand i be there when they want!! Believe it or not, some DEMAND that their trivial issues are more important than my life...

I like to help people - no, i LOVE to help people; it is my passion and it is one of my life purposes.. i LOVE teaching/learning/sharing with people, because there are so many ways to cut a cake... i also know who LOVES me and who is actually interested in how i feel - these people know my life; how much you know of my life is in direct proportion to the effort you put into the "friendship" ... so if you have no idea what is going on, for me, that is up to you to remedy... quite simple really!!

I value everyone i meet, everyone i see, i love them without question, flaws and all, and it's hard to take, knowing that same consideration is not shared with me... I don't know when this world became so shallow... it's very sad...

They say you get back what you give out - my well has been dry for years... my spousal type person encourages me to stop giving so much of myself, as do my nearest and dearest friends - the phrase " i can tell you what to do but you already know and anyway i'm just as bad as you" keep resonating in my ears...LOL

This Christmas i am giving myself a gift - the gift of acceptance, tolerance, understanding and unconditional love... I am also going to ask that of others as well... it is not selfish to love yourself as much as you do others - actually, if i spent as much time on myself as i do on other people, my life would be in a much better shape than it is right now...

Time for change...

And if someone doesn't like it, move along - i don't need any condescending people in my life; i'm doing my utmost to rid myself of them...

Peace, love and mung beans xxxx

Travel plans and how they successfully unravel...

I've been planning to go back to the US for over a year ago - since it was told to me i HAD to go back to attend a wedding - i was so stoked that someone actually wanted me somewhere... well besides Brian...lol

Having a child with ASD in particular means you can't just surprise them with something on the spur of the moment and expect them to be all peachy about it - it's actually suicidal!! Not telling them would cause all types of psychiatric issues as well, so have been speaking about it almost from the time of the verbal invite... All of my children (except Matthew because it doesn't directly impact upon him since he lives interstate) have been spoken to, consistently, about where i am going, how i am getting there, the airline, what will i eat, what will i do, what am i going to wear, who will i see - the questions are endless..

I pull Google maps up all the time to show them the distance and how long the flights take and where i change flights - if you can think of a question, i have answered it at least five times to each child, and then of course the occasional friend will also get curious, which i think is great too!!

But i leave in four days now, the reality is setting in, and we are starting to get the tears and the mournful looks - as if me feeling guilty about much needed time out wasn't bad enough LOL i know it's just a child thing, to get me to change my mind; it won't happen, and they just don't want to be without me for a week... They are scared because i'm all they have had for years, and i am nervous because, well, what if? Nothing will happen, and i know that between Brian, Angie, Tiffany, Stacey and Trista Rae my wishes will be carried out if disaster strikes!

So i am all but packed, now it's just the tiny things like phones and phone chargers, paperwork, pressies and what am i wearing!!! LMAO

Thursday cannot come fast enough...

Beauty, single mums, and dating..


Ah yes, we can't help it, we do like to look nice for ourselves and our fellas, and in the world we live in, force fed imagery of perfection brought on my much nipping, tucking and airbrushing, we set ourselves unrealistic expectations of how we should look, and how we really do... We think a day of beauty, we think the image above... The reality for some of us though, is more like this...



Slather everything on at once and hope the kids don't figure out you are taking a little you time... Me, my kids have an inbuilt radar, i swear it!!!

I decided to be a little more cleverer today and do everything all at once, it seemed logical to me anyway - however i don't have a brain of a 7yo autistic boy, 6yo clingy and curious daughter, and a 4yo grandson who follows the 6yo everywhere...

So i start mixing my hair dye, the hypnotic red i have had it for about 6 years now and i decided i would also spray myself all over with hair removal cream at the same time.... i also decided so my hair wouldn't fall down and flop about i would wrap my head in cling wrap and keep it all "nice"... so away i go...

Dye nicely through my hair, grab the wrap and start to wind it around my head... This is when Mz 6 spotted me and screwed her face up... "Mummy, what are you doing?" "I'm making sure my hair stays on my head Brielle and so does the red - i don't need it to fall into my eyes and cause me pain!" "No Mummy, that would be silly! Why are you using the plastic for Mummy?" "I just told you Brielle, sweetie" "Oh okay, so you don't get a sore eye?" *insert grumbling* "No, Brielle, so the dye doesn't drop and dribble everywhere and i don't get red all over my face" "But Mummy, your face is always red cause you have old skin!" *steam and grumbling now* "Okay Brielle, i'm thinking of going Trick or Treating, even though i am a week late, and i thought i would go dressed as a strawberry lollipop!" "Wow Mummy, you will look awesome!!"

Yes, humour provides me much comfort and also a much needed release - the sarcasm button allows me not to flip my lid!! LOL

So i go and get myself all set up to do my legs, music playing, fresh towels, and i start to spray the hair removal foam and i hear the door open behind me - it's Mz 6 again coming to investigate, and i have no where to run... At this stage i am thanking all the deities i decided to keep a loose fitting dress on or my butt would have been hanging out for them all to see!! She's looking around and checking out every single nook and cranny where this stuff is - "can i help you Brielle?" "No Mummy, i'm just looking!" "I noticed - ummm i really need alone time right now because you don't need to see all this yet!" "Mummy, can i have a drink?" "Yes you can Brielle, but you need to get it!" *Brielle grumbles* "No Brielle, you can do and have been able to for two years now, go get a drink of water!" "But Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.... i'm tired!" *stern look* "Brielle, find a straw then and sip from the toilet if your hands are incapable of clasping a cup at this time of morning and remember you woke me up at 6!! Now leave the bathroom and let me have some private time or you are gonna see things you haven't since the day you were born!!"

She left - she felt me start foaming at the mouth and the can was not in my hands... This is when i lament not having respite or family to palm the kids off to for a few hours; i love my kids dearly, but it's been my experience that what your daughters see Mummy's doing to "look pretty" they are going to copy you regardless of their age...

So she leaves and i pick up the plastic spatula and start to remove it all and the door opens again and it's Alex; "Grandma, Brielle said you were in here!" "Congrats Alex, you found me, now go and have a treat from the cupboard and shut the door behind you!" *sighs* Yes, bribery is not beyond my arsenal of secret parenting strategies...

And of course, as soon as i step into the shower to remove the dye from my hair, the door opens once again; "What are you doing Mummy?" "Painting hunni, did you get your drink yet?? Shut the door and do it please!"

Shower stops running and i start drying myself off and the door opens again and Alex wanders in with Brielle behind him - "Alex needs to go to the toilet Mummy!" "Of course he does, i understand completely. I also understand that we have two toilets in the house and the other one that is unoccupied and 5 steps away is totally unacceptable for him to use!" LMAO It is a wonderful feeling to be loved (re:smothered) by your children, but ya know - sometimes you just want to break out the duct tape and paint them silver!! *grins*

I've decided i have accomplished as much as i am going to today - the yeti has disappeared and i don't look all grey and haggared... mission accomplished - sorta LOL eyebrows tomorrow and toe nails... and i have to admit, i like being a girl, and i like feeling pretty, even if only for a little while... i don't feel i am some kind of glamour, or a beauty queen; i feel quite ordinary most of the time to be perfectly honest, but i do like that self satisfaction of a younger looking you smiling back at you in the bathroom mirror after you finish applying gels and make up...

Somedays, i like being me!!! It's worth the "attention" LOL

Communication shutdown!!

Why on earth would i participate?? Why would i consciously cut myself off from friends and family and pay $5 for the privilege of buying one of those red round circles?? Am i mad???

Well yes and no - my sanity is always under question for the sheer fact that i do have so many children and my patience continually being stretched beyond the realms of normal human parameters!! I seem to constantly find myself in situations that on the surface simply do not exist - my life seems to be symbolic of urban legend!! If there is a kink in the system i sure as heck and going to find it!! LOL

But i did it under the guise of trying to fool myself i could for even a few hours understand what it is like for my son every minute, every day, every year of his life. Did i get a feel for it?? Not really - i was more concerned for my friends who were also participating in the shutdown and wondering how they were coping... i'm sure i also have friends betting on if i can last 24hrs without facebooking - i'm blogging people so yes, even though i am sharing, i am not networking on Facebook LMAO I'm deluding myself sitting here believing someone, somewhere, is actually a little despondant i'm not "available"... LOL cheeky - yes, that is me!!!

There has even been dissension in the Autism Army between shut down and speak out!! Recovered Autism sufferers (not cured, that will never happen, recovered is the correct terminology) didn't want to be silent - they wanted to revel in the fact they had worked hard and they wanted to blog to their little hearts contents and scream from the rooftops - and i wholeheartedly agree with them... the dream of my struggling son being literate enough to blog and share his story sends chills up my spine - i would sell my soul to see that happen!! But there seems to be a "war" about staying silent, and speaking out - why???

Why is there this desire for there always to be one correct way in approaching things?? And then why belittle and ridicule others for choosing to take a different approach - we are on the same side here guys!!!!! We are all after the same thing - acceptance, understanding and tolerance. Seems very little chance of that happening from where i sit right now!!

The key thing we are all fighting for is Autism Awareness - whether you have PDD NOS, aspergers, autism, or one of the other variations that comes under the ASD umbrella, you are all on the same team. And then there are the rest of us in the battle - the silent (okay not so much) army, the carers!! Mums, Dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, foster parents and paid/voluntary carers who so desperately wish and hope and pray that one day we find that miracle breakthrough treatment - that treament that opens their worlds and allows their child to function on a so called "normal" or acceptable level for society.

Could you imagine what could be accomplished if people stopped infighting and bickering, for one day, and stood united under the one flag?? It's time for people to strive beyond the "normal" and reach for the extra-ordinary; accept there is more than one way to fry an egg and dance and scream out; "We are Autistic, love us the way we are, not how you want us to be!"

Ah well, a girl can dream can't she...

Just as well some of us aim high - i believe we can make it happen, if only for one day in a lifetime....