Beltaine Blessings

I love the sabbats and esbats, i love the full, new and void moons as well. Heck i just love the cycles of life and the planets and correlating them to my own life. Sure, i'm first to admit sometimes i do not appreciate the astrological influences on myself nor my children, sometimes they are just downright inconvenient and painful, but i also appreciate they are very necessary in our Spiritual growth and development. I know i don't want to ever be reborn and live my life as a human again - so i am getting it right this time!!! LOL

Beltane is the coming together of the God and the Goddess when their fertility is at a peak. In lay terms, it is a time for Pagans to place out into the Universe their deepest desires and move forward into making these dreams a reality. It is not enough to simply "wish", you must listen to the inner guidance that is sent to you and make it happen. The wish, the pure intent, is the most critical part of alchemy, as much as letting it go into the stratosphere and believing it will come back to you when all steps are completed.

However, a lot of people are wary of practicing their magick at this time as well. The veil between this world and the Summerlands is at it's thinnest (just like Samhain) and the Gods sometimes like to be a bit clever in how things manifest - the words "be careful what you wish for" ring loudly in my ears when i wrote this out. It was this time i was heavily wishing for me to take control of my life, and in many many ways i have! This time last year i wanted to be in a job i could flourish in and fed my need to socialise and be creative and supportive - with a couple of false starts, we are almost there!!!

It also explains why i have been visited by many passed relatives this last week, both mine and others, to give loving support and guidance to myself (and others) in the current predicaments we find ourselves in.

But, now what - what is it that i want more than anything!! This is where i get stuck you see. I'd be one of the beauty pageant barbies wishing for "World Peace" or "Whirled Peas", whatever takes your fancy at the time!! I was raised to believe that one should never ask for anything, never expect anything, and to especially believe i never deserved anything! I was here to purely exist and breed. Even my birthday wishes was always something for the family, or for someone else - what little 3yo does that???

So, maybe i need to make a compromise - maybe i need to re-affirm my wish last year - i want completion of what we started, i want a solid financial base that will allow me to take my children where ever i want, when ever i want. I would still be somewhat happy to be restricted by time constraints (happens when you have all these kids and a partner) but i would like to remove fiscal constraint from the picture... i don't want oodles of money, just enough to be able to live a little, and thankfully what i do i can pick up and take anywhere with me...

Of course, migrating to the Northern Hemisphere will put me in a slight quandary... do i stay true to my Australian heritage and continue to follow my wheel of the year, or do i give in and follow the books *nervous swallow*

I'll keep everyone guessing for a while i do believe....

My Connor, what can i say - he has kept me a very busy lady the last few months. Tests, therapies, meetings, meltdowns, transitionings, all these wonderful things that they forgot to mention in the book "Raising your ASD child 101" LOL

And of course i have had the school issues for Mz 16yo, the counselling for her and also therapies for Mz 6yo... to say i am beyond exhausted is an understatement. This role of a single Mum is never easy and less so when you have children with special needs.

Sleep deprived, no time for self; some days you wonder if it is really worth chewing through the restraints! The lead up to going away and the challenges that brings for me as well - it's not as simple as you would think!! You exchange one set of anxieties for a totally new set and you pray to the stars that Spirit is watching over you all, and all will be okay! But i have come to realise, i do need time out for me, and to not feel bad about it...

So, my little boy, has had a regression this year, which i suspected, however i hoped i was wrong - what can i say, i know my kids... his latest report has placed him as from PDD NOS (which was news to me but never mind - it means that label he was too social to be strictly autistic) to now fitting neatly under the autism label... *sighs* yeah great more funding and resources for the school, but kinda devestating to a Mum who gives everything she has into her son, to be told sorry, it hasn't been enough!! I felt very defeated, was distraught for a few days, and still am when i think about it - no one likes to be told they failed on any level...

But i keep pushing on, even if it is only treading water for the moment - i need to rethink my approach with him and introduce something new... I will never quit where Connor is concerned - never!!!



But with the advent of travel and the world the way it is, and the tragic loss of a dear friend recently has made me sit and think about my kids, and what would happen to them if the unthinkable happened to me!! Not a pleasant thing to think about, but you have to be realistic.. i have no will - that will be remedied this week - i now have options for my babies that i didn't before, and someone who wants them forever, not out of duty, but a burning desire to be their Dad because they are a part of me, they are a part of my package.. to have someone that genuine in my life, after all these years - i am speechless... i also asked two wonderful friends to help my daughter get my babies to him - my wishes are so important here!! They deserve a better life, and that is my desire above everything!! It doesn't matter how many ways you cut a cake, someone will always miss out - that is something i cannot afford with Connor, he is already up against it in this lifetime!! They all have been with only me for so long... He and Brielle have a huge adoptive family waiting for them (and Trista Rae, Matt and Stace if they so desire) to raise them the way i want - a social conscience, respect, dignity and the ability to look through the cover and see what is hidden beneath.... to make a difference to every life that they touch, and every person they meet...

So many decisions to be made lately, and so many more yet to come... if you had told me a year ago my life was going to become the way it is i would have laughed at you... to see the sunshine trying to break through the clouds that hover overhead right now keeps me going - to know that my dreams are slowly becoming a reality keeps me motivated... to know that i continue to touch hearts drives me forward... to know my fairy tale is waiting for me right around the corner is a dream come true...