.... for reflection, dissection and dissension... A whole pile of woulda, coulda, shoulda's surround us all when we begin to look back at the year that was, and the year we wish we'd had...
My year has been, quite simply, the year from Hell.. I say that and people have no idea what i am on about - i'm so bubbly and positive and funny, how could i know hardship?? It is my bedfellow... My year has not been a total disaster i will admit to that - planning my marriage to my Mr Perfect is every woman's dream, but every second of happiness i have is balanced with a minute of difficult... I spent just under 5 days with Brian in November; five days out of my year where i was allowed inner peace, and happiness - it came at a cost though, it always does... it doesn't seem fair, but it is what it is - it is the way life plays out for me...
I spent the beginning of the year with my solicitor writing out custody provisions and documenting 8 years of abuse not only against me, but my kids as well from the hands of my former husband... In the midst of doing this, i was diagnosed with melanoma - it's not the first time i have had to face cancer (i had cervical when i was 36) and it wasn't totally unexpected either... Brian's Mum also had health issues, as did he... then there was the working 24/7 with okay pay at the beginning of the year, to being extorted over $1000 when i demanded my earnings...
Then it was time to face the Department of Education about Connor and for them to tell me what they thought was best for my "number"... I happily told them what i expected for my son and that i would settle for nothing less... Of course this was balanced out with a mountain of medical appointments including paediatrics, speech, occupational theraphy, physiotherapy, eyes and hearing tests... I also had my baby girl Brielle assessed for speech issues, just in case - and she also ended up in a support group for language, just to help her a little bit more...
Trista Rae started out the year wonderfully, in a new school setting the world on fire... she was the first ever year 10 student to achieve a silver award in a term - after 2 years of home schooling we were finally hopeful that she would get the education she so richly deserved; that eneded up being short lived... the year for her degnerated into a shit storm... she started to get sexually harrassed by the boys just enough to make her uncomfortable, then her best friend left, then she changed classes because of more harrassment, to a falling out to her other close friend, to severe sexual and racial discrimination, to death threats from school mates and suicidal tendencies - by the time my 42nd birthday came about in August, i was barely hanging on... But you need to, for the kids...
That's where you start looking for the tiny things to make life worth living... a smile from a stranger, a hug from a friend, a rainbow in the dark - anything to make you want to get up the next morning... another pre-melanoma was found in a place that never sees the light of day really, and you just go why??!! Who or what lifeform did i piss off this time...
Then there is the normal day to day musings of sibling rivalry and angst, always a drama or two in there particularly when life is a little bumpy... I have had three wonderful friends that i could lean on any time for anything which also helped me get through...
This last week has been the toughest of my life to deal with - an unprovoked violent attack on my 6yo daughter by one of her classmates when she was in a position where she could not defend herself... Every parents nightmare!!! I wanted to break every single bone in that little boy's body and his parents for what he did to her, but what would that achieve??? What would that show other than i was some type of animal myself, when the reality is, i'm not... So, i made sure she was okay, then i met with the other family to see if they were okay, and we came to a mutual agreement that was in the best interest of everyone... I then had to subject Connor to a dialation exam to make sure he doesn't have a hereditary degnerative disease of the eyes, and then Trista Rae had her final counselling session for the year which was highly emotional for both of us... Throw in my grandson needing an x-ray for not being able to walk properly - i'm waving the white flag - i surrender!!!! LOL
This of course is not including the stalking i receive from my ex-husband and a few other undesirables i have in my life, nor some epithanies about my life, this one and past, which have been quite traumatic... there has been two, yes two curses i have broken on myself and my lineage, which as difficult as they were, give me some major hope for the coming years...
But now what - we have 2 weeks left for the end of the year, a time of family, celebration and forgiveness...
I have my children i can hold... my heart aches for my son who lives away in another state, but i also rejoice knowing he is achieving so much where he is surrounded by people who love him and support him and give him the time he needs... my life misses my mother, who left me 12 years ago this year...
But most of all, i mourn my Christmas without my fiance... I don't think i can convey the hollow feeling you have when you find your perfect partner, and you are half a world away from them and helpless to do anything about it, because life still has you in a space where you can only have one or the other; i'm still not able to have a complete family as yet (fingers crossed 2011 allows me to accomplish this)...
I don't consider my past to be filled with mistakes, i don't believe in that... I also do not believe in bad choices when every "bad choice" has led me to where i am now... I have plenty of reasons to lash out and behave badly, to be critical and downright rude to people at the end of the day, to form a drug or alcohol problem and it will get brushed aside because "well look at her life poor thing!"...
I'm holding onto the faith that my precious 16yo will be able to take steps towards fulfilling her education and following her dream of being a special needs teacher to pre-schoolers... that Connor and Brielle will continue to make forward strides at school when at the beginning of the year they will both be faced with their own mountains to climb... My oldest daughter and son will continue their journey through adulthood at a slow and steady pace to form the solid foundations required to a successful life in the future...
And that my dreams will be realised - a successful business and a blissful wedding to a magnificent man who means the world to me, and i would not be where i am without him - i have not battled away for him; i have battled with him by my side, to keep my chin up above water level as i dog paddle the torrent that threatens to sweep me away at times... He is my life saver...
2010, thank you for visiting, thank you for your challenges and for your victories, however please respect that i am not going to look back upon you fondly... I will bless you as the year that needed to be to embrace my future with open arms and a loving heart...
Please do not let the door hit you too hard on the way out...
Love, Chelle xxxx
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