"I wish I had your outlook on life"
"How can you find happiness in heartache?"
"You really don't know what it is like to suffer do you?"
"How does someone like you KNOW what misery or darkness is?"
The happiest clown hides the most tears...
One should never assume should they! It's something i keep telling people - never ever sit in judgment of someone when you don't know where they have been before that moment in time. I'm a pretty private person, not a lot of people are privy to my personal life. One of the hardest things about this blog is exposing so much of myself - when ever i have done that in the past i have been cut to ribbons by those closest to me. The people who are supposed to be there no matter what, love you unconditionally, and always be there. It took 40+ years for that to happen...
Don't get me wrong - there has been one of two i have met in the first 40 years of my life that have weathered the storm, because that is what my life is like for the most part - but they are few and far between... these days i have my trusted circle of friends, my good friends, and my fair weather friends. I am always extending my circle of friendships because if you don't expand, you stop living.
BUT how can someone like me keep seeing things in a positive mindset all the time. Well first of all i don't do it all the time because, well, it would say i live in a state of denial and unbalance - and that ain't healthy for anyone. "Bad" things happen to apparently "good" people. It's just the way it is sadly. I just keep my head low when i don't feel like being my chipper self. I have two or three people now who are onto me straight away - i'm lucky, someone does care enough to reach out now. They KNOW how tough i do do it. They don't assume anything.
Still doesn't explain how does it...
Well it's simple really. When you have been raised from birth as being worthless, unwanted, and being solely responsible for screwing up someone's life, well ya know, you have to learn to cope. When you are told constantly what you do is never good enough, you are narcissistic, arrogant, fat, stupid and will only be worth something on your back and legs flung high, well you have to be strong to get through that...
To be shoved to the side, to be ignored, and berated, torn down at every achievement - regardless how outstanding - and to be told "you can do better"... well...
I'm a smart woman, i mean, seriously smart. But i can't be buggered with whereto's, and wherefore's most the time - you give stuff to me straight, don't confuse me with eloquence or double dutch, i just do not have time to sit and translate.... I, while doing Year 10 at high school pulled off the seemingly impossible - a History report, i received a grade of A++... twice... one of my papers was a finalist for a statewide competition on Mining at Burra and Moonta - i didn't win because i didn't type it out, it was hand written - that was a personal message from the judges... oh well never mind i guess LOL BUT, i was told that grade wasn't good enough, i could have got higher - yep possibly if i had a word processor at the time!!! DUH!!! LMAO
During my final year of primary school, every single report card was filled with A's and A+'s... yep you guessed it, not good enough... i remember asking once why it wasn't good enough, to be told "because i said so"... gee i hate that saying LOL
My first marriage wasn't too bad - we had our ups, but we had more downs. I received a lot of criticism from the extended family, in my "wife and mother" skills... we grew apart - it happens, but we had 16 years together...
My second marriage, well i thought i was happy - more like that denial thing i mentioned earlier. It was abusive, the only positive to come from it were Connor and Brielle, oh and i guess the realisation that i WAS more than what i had been told.
Everything i was told i was not in my first 41 years, i have been told i am and so much more. Its funny how all that heartache can be turned around in such a small space of time.
Also, the fact i should not be here today is another reason i am who i am.
I was born 6 weeks premature. I was seperated from my mother as soon as i appeared. I was not allowed contact with her at all for the first 36hrs of my life, until she bullied her way into the nursery and found me in a condition that would not be tolerated in a third world hospital. After two weeks she took me from the hospital because i kept losing weight - i was under 4lb at that stage, i was tiny. Mum said to them, "If she's going to die anyway, she can do it at home with her Mum!"... TA DA!!! LOL
Then there was THAT time. I was almost 37, and was diagnosed with cervical cancer, the scourge of my family. Simple operation, no incisions, no risks - until they injected me with the anaesthesia... they lost me! Obviously i was resussitated, but learning that you are lucky to be alive sure does change your outlook on life!! I also had a reminder earlier this year when it was found i had melanoma on my wrist.
Why am i so positive? Beacause i am a survivor - i've learned to roll with the punches and not allow anyone else to influence how or what i feel. I have learned to search for rainbows in the darkness, and like my quote yesterday says, things turn out the best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.
It's taken over 40 years, but i did it...
"How can you find happiness in heartache?"
"You really don't know what it is like to suffer do you?"
"How does someone like you KNOW what misery or darkness is?"
The happiest clown hides the most tears...
One should never assume should they! It's something i keep telling people - never ever sit in judgment of someone when you don't know where they have been before that moment in time. I'm a pretty private person, not a lot of people are privy to my personal life. One of the hardest things about this blog is exposing so much of myself - when ever i have done that in the past i have been cut to ribbons by those closest to me. The people who are supposed to be there no matter what, love you unconditionally, and always be there. It took 40+ years for that to happen...
Don't get me wrong - there has been one of two i have met in the first 40 years of my life that have weathered the storm, because that is what my life is like for the most part - but they are few and far between... these days i have my trusted circle of friends, my good friends, and my fair weather friends. I am always extending my circle of friendships because if you don't expand, you stop living.
BUT how can someone like me keep seeing things in a positive mindset all the time. Well first of all i don't do it all the time because, well, it would say i live in a state of denial and unbalance - and that ain't healthy for anyone. "Bad" things happen to apparently "good" people. It's just the way it is sadly. I just keep my head low when i don't feel like being my chipper self. I have two or three people now who are onto me straight away - i'm lucky, someone does care enough to reach out now. They KNOW how tough i do do it. They don't assume anything.
Still doesn't explain how does it...
Well it's simple really. When you have been raised from birth as being worthless, unwanted, and being solely responsible for screwing up someone's life, well ya know, you have to learn to cope. When you are told constantly what you do is never good enough, you are narcissistic, arrogant, fat, stupid and will only be worth something on your back and legs flung high, well you have to be strong to get through that...
To be shoved to the side, to be ignored, and berated, torn down at every achievement - regardless how outstanding - and to be told "you can do better"... well...
I'm a smart woman, i mean, seriously smart. But i can't be buggered with whereto's, and wherefore's most the time - you give stuff to me straight, don't confuse me with eloquence or double dutch, i just do not have time to sit and translate.... I, while doing Year 10 at high school pulled off the seemingly impossible - a History report, i received a grade of A++... twice... one of my papers was a finalist for a statewide competition on Mining at Burra and Moonta - i didn't win because i didn't type it out, it was hand written - that was a personal message from the judges... oh well never mind i guess LOL BUT, i was told that grade wasn't good enough, i could have got higher - yep possibly if i had a word processor at the time!!! DUH!!! LMAO
During my final year of primary school, every single report card was filled with A's and A+'s... yep you guessed it, not good enough... i remember asking once why it wasn't good enough, to be told "because i said so"... gee i hate that saying LOL
My first marriage wasn't too bad - we had our ups, but we had more downs. I received a lot of criticism from the extended family, in my "wife and mother" skills... we grew apart - it happens, but we had 16 years together...
My second marriage, well i thought i was happy - more like that denial thing i mentioned earlier. It was abusive, the only positive to come from it were Connor and Brielle, oh and i guess the realisation that i WAS more than what i had been told.
Everything i was told i was not in my first 41 years, i have been told i am and so much more. Its funny how all that heartache can be turned around in such a small space of time.
Also, the fact i should not be here today is another reason i am who i am.
I was born 6 weeks premature. I was seperated from my mother as soon as i appeared. I was not allowed contact with her at all for the first 36hrs of my life, until she bullied her way into the nursery and found me in a condition that would not be tolerated in a third world hospital. After two weeks she took me from the hospital because i kept losing weight - i was under 4lb at that stage, i was tiny. Mum said to them, "If she's going to die anyway, she can do it at home with her Mum!"... TA DA!!! LOL
Then there was THAT time. I was almost 37, and was diagnosed with cervical cancer, the scourge of my family. Simple operation, no incisions, no risks - until they injected me with the anaesthesia... they lost me! Obviously i was resussitated, but learning that you are lucky to be alive sure does change your outlook on life!! I also had a reminder earlier this year when it was found i had melanoma on my wrist.
Why am i so positive? Beacause i am a survivor - i've learned to roll with the punches and not allow anyone else to influence how or what i feel. I have learned to search for rainbows in the darkness, and like my quote yesterday says, things turn out the best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.
It's taken over 40 years, but i did it...
It is important to know who we are and where it is we want to be because what we focus our attention on increases. A cynic will never get anywhere. I complain on my blog but I make sure that I don't ONLY complain, that at the end of the day I'm always looking in the direction of up. Balance is the key to sanity when one is faced with tough experiences, I think.
ReplyDeleteexactly right.. if we don't show the hurt, our kids don't learn that broken hearts mend and anger can be soothed with compromise.. someone yesterday apologised for only posting negative ASD news - i said it needs doing because if these situations didn't arise and show that people in authority do not know about ASD, how can we speak out and educate... it is not easy, but most negative situations can be turned into a positive outcome... yeah most... but balance is paramount in anything, and you need balance to be able to do that xx :o)
ReplyDeleteI love the fact that I am in your circle of friends ( close ones I hope lol )
ReplyDeleteAnd even though I am up here and you ae down there when you feel the need just pretend I am holding your hand and saying " Everything will be ok Chelle " Mwah
dammit Trace - you made me cry.. love you chickadee xxxx
ReplyDelete